Final Retreat, Day One

Written 8/5/09

I am on retreat at a lovely retreat house in the mountains. I am surrounded by trees and blue sky and clouds. And all I want to do is return home to my husband and baby. I am tired. I am so tired. It’s partly lack of self-care: staying up late too many nights in a row. It's partly the demands of mothering a sick child who’s weaning off of her pacifier and not sleeping well, and it’s partly just this wonderful, wonderful summer. It’s been so very, very much. And really all I want is a chance to disconnect, to live my life, to have some space to let things settle. I do not want more alone time, more time to seek out truth to the big questions, to seek out healing. I want to just enjoying being for awhile.

I was supposed to get here early this morning, but found that I just couldn’t face leaving again. I spent the morning and afternoon playing with my baby, watching a sweet movie with my husband, cuddling…and when I finally decided I really should head off, well, I SO didn’t want to. SparkleEyes cried and wanted to come on “treat” with me.

It’s lovely to be at a place where my life--my everyday life--feels so peaceful and good and holy that I don’t want to escape it. It's lovely that I don’t feel like I need to escape it in order to find God. That is all very good. But I still don't want to be here. I am tired and grumpy and all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch a feel-good movie. Apparently, though, TVs are not "spiritual" enough for this place...