Seeking Healing

When I was nominated last year for a $10,000 scholarship from the Fund for Theological Education aimed at people pursuing ordination, I found myself petrified. I wrote about it here, so I won't repeat myself. Suffice it to say acknowledging my "call" is hard for me. I won the scholarship and found myself even more petrified. And then I had to come up with a proposal for using my money. I could use $7,000 for any bills I needed to pay and had to use the other $3,000 for a ministry project, something that would help me in my future ministry, help develop me as a pastor. And then I was seriously freaked out. Hard to avoid dealing with your fear about your call to ministry when you're having to write up a proposal about how to spend $3,000 to become a better pastor...As I worked through this stuff, I at one point said to a few people, "I can't imagine any other life path more likely to cause me deep angst. Sometimes I wonder if I have a call to ministry or if it's just an inner-masochist intent on finding the life path most likely to keep me in therapy for the rest of my life." Hmmm, let's see, I'm a pastor's kid whose dad told her that female pastors unleash demons when they preach, I'm a bisexual woman whose church/college/community told her that her sexuality was sinful, broken, ugly, and unnatural, and I often feel deeply abandoned by God when I think about the pain and abuse I suffered, that generations of my family have suffered. So, planning a life of ministry in this religion sometimes seems insane to me, but, then, I can't shake the sense that this is what I'm called to do, this is what I am made for, this is where my giftedness can most speak and flourish and be a part of making something new...And so I finished the proposal (amidst much angst...). I decided that what would most benefit my future ministry is a project that would help me heal from some of the ways the trauma I've experienced has affected my ability to experience God as good, loving, and present. As I only have a few minutes before my little one awakens, I won't go into all that my ministry project entails in this entry, but as I begin my project I am using this space to record my experience as I rebuild my spirituality, as I heal. Thanks for walking with me!